ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
