Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
