he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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