This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
