I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
