the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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