Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
