If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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