I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
