Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
