Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
