I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
