So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
