she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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