Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've blown a few things in my day
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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