have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
