On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize