is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
