Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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