I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
