She tied me up with her honor cords...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
