i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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