you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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