You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
