I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
