She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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