Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
