I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is Oprah even human
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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