Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
