just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
