am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
