What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
