she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
a search helicopter?!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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