Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
