I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
