God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
