So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
