I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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