I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
