Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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