I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
