Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
