You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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