her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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