I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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