you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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