My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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