So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
