I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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