the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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