When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize