I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
