dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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