If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
