What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
