well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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