I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
