I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize