There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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