My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
