Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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