you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
