12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I want a musical about memes.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
