yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
