During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
