I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
