theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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